


Make Westeros Great Again!

by meng_ren



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Absolutely No Subtlety, Alternate Universe - Politics, Crack Treated Seriously, Dark Money, Drain the Myrish Swamp!, Fake News - Freeform, Fundraising, Gen, Lobbyists, Politics, R'hllorist Ban, Satire, The Author Regrets Nothing, The Joff has YUGE! hands, We're going to build a 700-ft ice wall, alternative facts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-04
Updated: 2017-03-04
Packaged: 2018-09-28 06:05:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10075610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meng_ren/pseuds/meng_ren
Summary: Davos Seaworth has the least enjoyable job in the United States of WesterosHe must manage the presidential campaign of Stannis Baratheon, Governor of Dragonstone and the least popular politician in the country. In order to do so, he must deal with Secretary of the Treasury Petyr Baelish, the twin Senators Cersei and Jaime Lannister, the megachurch preacher Melisandre Asshai, and Robb Stark, the vengeful new Representative from Winterfell.On top of that, Joffrey Baratheon just promised to build a wall in the North and make the wildlings pay for it.If there’s one thing Davos knows, it’s this: Election Day is coming.[American Politics! AU]





	

**Author's Note:**

> This story is 50% trolling and 50% coping mechanism. It's mostly light-hearted satire, but there are some serious elements too. I hope this story is somewhat original, because I haven't found any story with the exact same premise. If anybody has done this before, please point it out to me. Hopefully, you enjoy the story. I have no regrets.

**\---Davos---**

 

Davos Seaworth rubbed both his hands together as he pondered the situation before him. He had always known his work would be hard, running a presidential campaign. As such, he was silently praying to the Warrior to give him strength in the upcoming battle, and to the Smith, to give him strength in his work.

 

He was campaign manager for Governor Stannis Baratheon of Dragonstone, the man who should have been the frontrunner in the Presidential race. Davos knew all of the problems associated with his patron, and had seen them first-hand. Stannis was an establishment politician, and younger brother to President Robert Baratheon. The Governor of Dragonstone was an aloof and cold man, who never inspired warmth or admiration in his constituents. In fact, Stannis had been nicknamed “the Mannis” for his unbreakable austerity. He was a second son, too, and always overshadowed inside the famed Baratheon political family. More unfortunately was the fact that Stannis was a R’hllorist, and followers of the Lord of Light were regarded with suspicion by Westerosi who followed the Faith of the Seven.

 

But Davos had also seen what Stannis could do. During Robert’s first presidential campaign, Stannis had campaigned for his older brother, even as Tyrell and Targaryen super-PACs bombarded the Stormlands with negative ads. Stannis’ resolution succeeded in delivering enough votes at Storm’s End to deliver the state’s electoral votes to the Baratheon camp. Afterwards, Stannis had campaigned in the Iron Islands’ independence referendum, convincing voters to Remain. And then Stannis was elected Governor of Dragonstone, delivering a just and fair government for the long-neglected Crownlands. After eight years of Stannis, the state’s economy had grown, unemployment had declined, and Dragonstone once again became an important trading hub. As Davos saw it, Stannis Baratheon was the best man to be President of the United States of Westeros.

 

“I am the next rightful President,” Stannis had said as much, talking with his advisors and allies just one month ago. “After Robert becomes term-limited, I should be the one to succeed him. There is nobody more qualified and appropriate for the job.”

 

Davos had agreed with the sentiment, even as cautioned his boss.

 

“There are so many things to consider, Governor Baratheon,” Davos had warned. “You would need to succeed in the party primary first, and then you would need to succeed in the general election. The Starks and Tullys and Tyrells might all put forth a candidate. And the Targaryens too: it would be dangerous to forget that many voters still remember the Targaryens fondly.”

 

Stannis had brusquely dismissed those concerns. “The Targaryens are politically dead, and the Tyrells have nobody to run. As long as I have Robert’s support, I can clear the field in the primary, and I will win a crushing victory in the general.”

 

That had been a month ago. This week, though, Davos had developed a headache that he suspected might never go away.

 

Five days prior, Joffrey Baratheon had declared his candidacy to be the next President of Westeros.

 

A month prior, Davos would have laughed if anybody suggested President Robert’s son would be a fit candidate for office. Joffrey had no political experience, and his public exposure stemmed from a reality-TV called _Keeping Up with the Baratheons_. Joffrey was 29, just one year over the Constitution’s age requirement for the Presidency. And in private, he acted even younger than his age. Davos remembered Stannis’ stories about Joffrey’s temper tantrums and mood swings, including rumors of sexual harassment and animal cruelty. Joffrey lacked the experience and temperament to be President, and Davos thought Westeros would share his belief.

 

Davos had watched Joffrey announce his Presidential campaign on live television. If Davos had to give Joffrey any credit, it was the fact that the young man cut a dashing figure. Joffrey had the blond hair and green eyes of his mother, Cersei Lannister, and not one hint of his Baratheon ancestry. By appearance, then, President Baratheon’s son appeared elegant and attractive. When Joffrey gestured and pointed at the crowd, Davos realized that even Joffrey’s hands were tiny and delicate. The announcement speech, though, was a mess. Joffrey had railed against every issue imaginable, and incoherently.

 

“Westeros is in trouble,” Joffrey had said. “We are getting the pointy end of the sword. Let’s look at the economy first, okay? Yi Ti is eating our lunch. They’re inflating their currency, and that gives us a trade imbalance with them. A big imbalance. We should be selling more to them, not the other way around. And Asshai, too. Why are there so many Asshai’i cars on our roads, but no Westerosi cars on theirs? We are going to take back the economy.”

 

Davos had shrugged his shoulders at that. The state of Westerosi-Essosi relations was a complicated one, especially with recent turmoil in the Essosi Union. Davos knew Stannis would need finesse to deal with voters, but trusted the Governor to handle foreign affairs. Joffrey’s speech was just political rhetoric, and nothing more.

 

And then Joffrey started talking about wildlings.

 

“And if there’s an even bigger issue, it’s in the North. Wildlings are taking our jobs. They’ve been coming through our porous borders for far too long. When the wildlings send their people, they’re not sending their best. They’re sending murderers. They’re sending cannibals. And maybe some of them are good people. But we’re going to stop the wildlings from coming in.”

 

And then the crowd cheered, wildly. Davos rolled his eyes in response. Wildlings were not a popular constituency and illegal immigration was a genuine issue, but a politician should know better than to wildly stereotype millions of people.

 

What came next made Davos throw his hands up in frustration.

 

“We’re going to build a wall on our northern border, and we’ll make the wildlings pay for it!”

 

Joffrey declared his promise on live television, pointing in the direction of the North triumphantly.

 

And the crowd lapped it up, to the sound of immense cheering. Davos wanted to roll his eyes back to the medieval era.

 

And Joffrey wasn’t even finished there.

 

“After I become President, there are going to be obstacles trying to stop me. This isn’t just a matter for the Liberal Party. Too many lobbyists, and too much Big Money separating the people from the government. King’s Landing is a swamp. It’s like a bog in the Neck. Actually, it’s worse than that. It’s something foreign, that you’d find in Myr or Pentos or Lys. That’s right. It’s like a Myrish swamp. When I’m President, I will drain the Myrish swamp!”

 

And there were more cheers, and Davos was left wondering how anybody could take this man seriously. Leaving aside the rhetoric, there was the fact that Joffrey was literally running for the Presidency as a Liberal Party nominee. The Liberal Party, popularly called the Lannister Party, was more responsible for the morass in the capital than any other party.

 

“That’s why,” Joffrey said in his closing remarks, “I will fight for Westeros. I will stand up to Yi Ti. I will stand up to the wildlings. And I will MAKE WESTEROS GREAT AGAIN!”

 

Davos had closed his eyes at that ridiculous slogan. If the Seven were really the true gods, they would stop this farce here, in its tracks.

 

And then Davos’ faith in the Seven was shaken when Robert Baratheon, President of Westeros, walked up onto the stage to stand side-by-side with his son. And then he endorsed his son Joffrey as his successor.

 

From there, it was all downhill.

 

Today, as Davos surveyed the damage, he truly realized what the power of a Presidential endorsement meant.

 

Allies who had once sworn to Stannis that they would support him were suddenly hedging their bets. It didn’t matter whether they were donors, politicians, or friends: they realized that Stannis would not automatically clear the field. Stannis had thought the primary would be a coronation, but Davos’ words proved prescient. The Governor of Dragonstone would need to succeed in the primary first.

 

For Davos, then, that meant an enormous headache. It started with fielding calls from every politician imaginable.

 

“Yes, Representative Velaryon, Stannis means to press ahead, even despite Robert’s endorsement.”

 

“Representative Yronwood, is it? Yes, I will tell Stannis that you are similarly dismissive of Joffrey’s chances.”

 

“Representative Marbrand? You’re thinking of endorsing Joffrey instead of Stannis? I understand, but thank you for your previous support.”

 

“Senator Royce, Stannis’ commitment to the Vale remains unshaken, I assure you.”

 

“Hello, Representative Karstark? I can’t divulge Stannis’ immediate next step, but I can assure you that he’ll be in the primary till the convention produces a nominee.”

 

“Always good to hear from you, Representative Tarbeck. I gratefully appreciate your continuing support.”

 

“Representative Caron, I thank you for your support, but I do not expect our party’s superdelegates to decide the nomination.”

 

Davos had called politicians in every state. He had firmly believed in a nine-state strategy, sending Stannis to campaign in every state in Westeros. On the other hand, the Governor of Dragonstone had initially hoped to ride on the incumbency of his brother, campaigning only in the states associated with the Liberal camp. That would deliver just enough Electoral College votes to win the Presidency.

 

But things had changed since Robert was first elected. The country was now politically fractured. Governor Tywin Lannister of Casterly Rock ruled the Westerlands. Senator Olenna Redwyne dominated the Reach through her control of the Tyrell family. And the Martell family of Dorne was as treacherous as a nest of snakes.

 

Davos tried to do the calculations and predictions in his head for the primary. After all, the Liberal Party had a presence in all nine states. The nomination convention for this cycle would be held at the Blackwater Convention Center in downtown King’s Landing, and delegates from all nine states would be there.

 

The Stormlands and Crownlands were likely to support Stannis, though not by a strong margin. Dorne’s delegates were uncertain, though Davos suspected they would prefer Stannis to Joffrey. The Westerlands and their delegates were sure to support Joffrey. Cersei Lannister, Joffrey’s mother, was both First Lady _and_ the senior Senator from the Westerlands. The Vale, the Riverlands, the North, the Iron Islands, and the Reach were all undecided at this point.

 

It was after many, many calls that Davos finally connected with one of the many people he dreaded. It was the man who might easily decide the Liberal Party nomination.

 

“Representative Baratheon, is it?” Davos could feel his throat slightly constrict as he spoke. Renly Baratheon was a political wildcard, and the most significant politician from the Stormlands.The youngest of the Baratheon brothers was both handsome _and_ experienced, having served as Attorney-General before he became the Representative from Storm’s End.

 

“Davos Seaworth, good to speak to you again,” said Renly, with a cheerful voice. “How are you doing?”

 

“Good, I’m doing good,” Davos said.

 

“How are Marya and the kids?” Renly continued.

 

“All eight of them are still on Cape Wrath. Dale and Allard returned home for vacation, but they’ll be in King’s Landing soon. And I keep trying to persuade Matthos and Maric to become sailors like their father,” answered Davos.

 

“What about the youngest three? Are they still in high school?”

 

“Devan and Stannis Seaworth are. Steffon is about to graduate middle school.”

 

“The little rascals. Tell them Uncle Renly says hello.”

 

If there was one thing Davos liked about Renly, it was the fact that he saw Davos as something aside from being Stannis’ hand. Many politicians would begin a conversation by saying “Hello, Mr. Seaworth. Is Governor Baratheon doing well?”

 

“I will. Is everything going fine for you?”

 

“That’s the thing,” said Renly, and Davos suspected something political would follow. “It’s partly related to the job, but partly related to family. I want to see what Stannis thinks.”

 

“Please don’t say you’re going to endorse Joffrey Baratheon,” said Davos, getting straight to the point that he feared.

 

“But Joffrey is my dear nephew after all, while Stannis is my brother. How can I choose between Robert and Stannis?” said Renly with a laugh.

 

Davos gave a nod, even if Renly could not see.

 

“Then what’s this business you’ve called to talk about?” Davos said, trying to elicit Renly’s intentions.

 

“Well, Davos, I think Stannis would be glad to hear this. I just got engaged to Margaery Tyrell, and I want to make sure Stannis can make it to the wedding.”

 

Davos exhaled, loudly. This wasn’t exactly bad news. The Tyrells were a famous political family in the Reach, and Margaery Tyrell was attractive and photogenic. It was time for Renly to marry, after all. But Renly’s new in-laws were politically adept and could shift alliances at any time. Mace Tyrell, for example, only endorsed Robert for President once it was clear that the Targaryens would lose the election.

 

“I’ll tell Stannis’ secretary. The Governor will be there, for sure.” Davos was already moving on. There were many people to contact, once he was finished with this call.

 

“Great,” said Renly. “Because at that wedding, I’ll officially announce that I’m running to be the next President of Westeros.”

 

Davos let the phone drop.

 

And then he prayed to every single deity he knew. The Old Gods, the Seven, the Lord of Light, the Drowned God, the Great Shepherd, the Lion of Night, and even the Black Goat. Because if Stannis was going to win against both Joffrey _and_ Renly, he was going to need divine intervention.

 

Davos picked up the phone again, and Renly was still on the line.

 

“I wish you the best of luck in your marriage and campaign,” Davos managed to stammer out.

 

Renly gave a laugh. “Oh, thank you Davos, but I don’t need it.”

 

Davos had thought his headache was bad before, but now he knew it would only get worse.

 

Why, after all, must politics be so unpredictable?

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on Twitter [here](https://twitter.com/west_of_autumn). I welcome your comments, feedback, and questions!


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